You can try to be too cool for Valentine’s Day all you like, but it’s going to happen anyway, and you can’t avoid it. You don’t have to like it, because it’s nearly impossible to like a 99% commercial holiday. But don’t try to escape it, because there is no escape. It is a zombie out to get you, and it’s here. (You were probably one of those “Was there some kind of game happening today?” people on Super Bowl Sunday. Guess what? Everyone knew that you knew there was a game that day.)
But in case there is still a tiny, microscopic neutron inside of you that feels an urge to do something, even something weird, snarky, or slightly mean, then here are some (mostly) printable Valentine’s Day cards just for you, lovingly scraped from a few corners of the Web.
First, zombies. Zombies are the thing this year, and after being beaten over the head with Valentine’s Day advertising since Christmas ended, it’s safe to say that zombies make a perfect V-Day mascot. This one was found on Geeks Are Sexy and can be printed out at zombieyeti.com.
Or maybe these from designer Elliott Quince:
Here is a variety of Dr. Who-themed cards by Rachelle Abellar, which can be purchased for $2.50 each ($15 for the whole set). Perfect for any or all of your companions.
But if you’re driven more by the brain than the heart, maybe you can relate to these science-love cards, which can be found on Etsy. (Although they ship from the UK, so it’s not possible they’ll be yours on time. But you can always claim that you were too busy thinking. Or reading. Smartypants. (Sexybrains.)
Super Punch has a cornucopia of excellent, dark-hearted Valentines:
Do you share the opinion that love is an avoidable disaster?
How about an unavoidable disaster?
(Those can be found here.)
Feeling more than just appreciation for a coworker?
Purchase the card, designed by Emma Harckham, at Red Bubble.
For literal types who don’t beat around the bush and wouldn’t appreciate that metaphor:
Or this one, also available through Etsy:
This selection from Awkward Valentines pretty much says it all:
For that special someone with whom you spend weekend afternoons watching reruns of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit … and then politely ask to leave.
If you must speak, make sure it’s in never-not-romantic binary (by Christine Marie Larsen):
And if you liked exactly zero of these, here are the ones we liked last year.
(Top pic via Penny Arcade)