Game of Thrones Veteran Recap: Fire and Blood

Welcome to our Game of Thrones recap where we assume you’ve read the books. Spoilers abound.

In which nothing will ever be the same and hey aren’t we meandering into Clash of Kings territory here?

• Well twist that knife in right off the bat HBO. I’m not still crying from last week. Here, let me turn so you can stab me in the heart with Ice while it’s still dripping Ned Stark’s lifeblood. My sadness is tempered by Varys’ absolute devil may care attitude that Sansa just passed out. Please bitch, at least your lady parts are still intact, he seems to say.
• Yoren is pretty quick on the uptake. Being a Stark in King’s Landing is not a good thing to be; especially if said Stark brutally embarrassed this tyrant Kingling with a wooden sword. Welcome aboard Arry. Hope your boobs don’t come in between now and when filming resumes.
• Sure Osha Tonks. Dismiss the eerily vivid dreams Bran is having as nothing more than HOLY RAPTOR JESUS SHAGGYDOG! Rickon is sullen and all his rage is coming through in his wolf. Of course, I don’t think they’ve quite explained that yet. Mmmmm, forthcoming Skinwalkers. I can’t wait to see Meera and Jojen. Of course, Bran and Rickon are immediately vindicated in their visions but somehow I don’t think it feels like a victory.
• Catelyn is crying and Robb is taking his grief out on a tree. I don’t know anything about swords, so can someone please tell me how using it in this manner has ruined it? Robb and Catelyn promise each other to kill them all. Guys, don’t make promises you can’t keep. Game of Throning 101.
• The first minstrel! Considering the rich amount of singing in the books, I hope this keeps up. As much as Joffrey is being a douche here, the more disturbing to me is the courtiers clapping when he claps. Silly courtiers, you’re only encouraging this insanity. And then the jerkface doesn’t even stay to watch, making Ser Ilyn carry out this ironic sentence. Tell me your secrets Ilyn Payne.
• Joffrey continues to skip merrily down the path to the Meadow of Blood and Tyrants by forcing Sansa to look at the head of her father and poor Septa Mordane. I suppose this is happening now while Sean Bean is still recognizable because people can’t cry over a lump a tar. Sansa spontaneously grows a spine and back talks him only to have Joff completely misconstrue Cersei’s warning about not hitting women. Annnnd the physical abuse begins. In other news, Sansa/Sandor #OTP
• KING IN THE NORTH! KING IN THE NORTH! SENSE OF FOREBODING! THIS CAN’T END WELL! KING IN THE NORTH! LOUD NOISES!
• Jamie manages to dig himself a pretty deep hole with his hands tied behind his back. Neat trick? Catelyn beats him with a rock, he confesses to tossing Bran like a rag doll, but not why because he luuuuurves Cersei.
• But sadly, she does not luuuuurve him. Lancel, you are like a puppy. STFU. Cersei you are quite right to look ashamed of yourself. What what what are you thinking?!
• Meanwhile, across the sea from the Seven Kingdoms of I’ve Made A Huge Mistake, in the desert of I’ve Made A Huge Mistake, Dany is waking up only to find that a horse is not qualified to be the sacrifice for a human and so the dark gods took her son instead, as they do. The Khalassar up and hightailed it during the heathen shenanigans. Dany should just be grateful that the booga booga noises coming from the tent kept anyone from killing her stupid ass. On top of that, Drogo is a vegetable and Mirri Maz Duur ain’t even mad. She’s just amused and sad that this little girl would think that slaves would be “yes Mistress-ing” all over themselves without resentment. TBH I’m on the Maegi’s side here.
• At the Wall, Jon is still emoing out about not getting invited to the war party. He even has a new sword, you guys. Why won’t you let him play? Sam points out that Jon can’t leave to which Jon replies, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
• Oh, Sam! The boys use peer pressure and creepy lighting to convince Jon to come back and thank the Seven because we’re all gonna go adventuring North of the Wall because the Old Bear has had enough of this Undead bullshit. Also the Wildings are amassing in huge numbers, so better go commit some local genocide. #workandpleasure
• Tyrion and Tywin are in a war council and it is SRS BUSINESS because somehow this upstart Robb Stark is winning and doesn’t he know who they are! Tywin sends Gregor off to rape and pillage his way to Riverrun and the rest to Harrenhal (which I always pronounced with emphasis on the last syllable so it sounded weird when Tywin said it). Lord Lannister finally realizes Tyrion is super smart and also that Jamie is dumb and probably going to die and shit that means this kid is his only heir and so he sends him to King’s Landing to beat Joffrey some more be the Hand. But no whores. Hands don’t need whores. #punny
• Shae is extremely grating on my nerves. But her concern that Tywin forbid her from going by name makes me wonder if they were involved prior to A Storm Of Swords. I miss Ros. :(
• Who the hell is Pycelle talking to? Wait, is this an infodump? Could it be?! Ask and ye shall receive, it the return of Ros and the full frontal history lesson. Man, I wish I had infinite money…nope? Had to check. Ros looks suitably bored (as many of the audience probably were as well) but I must say it took this scene for Pycelle to finally win me over. When he did his little jig I was all “wtf is this?” but then he slumped his shoulders and OMG he is acting and wonderful and evil and I might love him just a little now.
• If Varys and Littlefinger don’t make-out soon, the sexual tension is going to kill me. #crackship #rule34 Please don’t email me fan art of Varys’s gash. PLEASE.
• Arry is being shipped off to the North because Yoren knows when to get the hell out of Dodge and Jaquen H’gar WHY IS YOUR FACE COVERED?! I need to see your beautiful red and white hair and oh I guess I’ll settle for Arya meeting Gendry and letting my crackship plot bunnies loose in their general direction.
• Dany is crying and missing her Sun and Stars and the first time they rode together and the show never really gave much growth of love between them so this seems like disproportionate grief to me unless she’s just feeling sorry for herself and is pretending like she cares about Drogo because seriously he was kind of an ass and now he is dead.
• DRAGONS!

Well folks, that’s it until Spring of 2012. And to all the fans of the show complaining about how long that is, just remember this.

Donna Dickens is an associate editor for Buzzfeed and an avid Song of Ice and Fire fan. Sheʼs trying really hard to separate the show from the novels, with varying degrees of success.