More like Game of OMFG DID THAT JUST HAPPEN, amirite?
[Editor’s Note: As with all our recaps, this one will be filled with spoilers through the current episode. Proceed at your own risk. We ask fans to please keep book spoilers out of this episode recap comment thread entirely. We’ve got another post up right here where folks who’ve read A Song of Ice and Fire can openly discuss the differences between the show and their implications. And don’t forget to check out last week’s recap!]
Grey Worm is thankfully alive after last week’s Harpies’ roaring rampage of revenge. He’s being looked after by Missandei who has to tell him Ser Barristan did not make it. He’s currently laid out before Daenerys who is more than a little upset. When Hizdahr comes to say sorry she tells him her new plan for peace — rounding up the leader of all the families. But… but… but… I am the leader of my family, Hizdahr says.
Dany takes them to where she’s keeping Viserion and Rhaegal and has her guards push the already frightened men forward toward the dragons. To make an example she also has one of them pushed directly in their path, giving them a nice snack. She places her hand on Hizdahr’s back and he says “Valar morghulis.” She decides to let him live. For now. She doesn’t want to overfeed them, after all.
We cut to Sam reading stories of Dany’s latest trials and tribulations (from the “Essos Daily News,” I presume) to Maester Aemon but Jon wants a chat with the Targaryen alone. He wants advice but before he can even explain what on, Aemon is like look, kid, half the men hate you already, you might as well do the thing they’re going to hate you for now. He also adds, “Kill the boy, Jon snow. Winter is almost upon us. Kill the boy and let the man be born.”
And so he does. He meets with Tormund, who is still shackled as a Night’s Watch prisoner. The free folk are scattered but Jon would like his help to bring them through the wall. He says he’ll find them land if they’ll fight with them against the White Walkers. Tormund says they’ll never follow anyone but Mance and Jon is all, “what are you, chicken?” And well I guess he’s a descendant of the McFly’s because he decides he’ll do it, but Jon has to come with him to speak for himself. They’re also going to need Stannis’ fleet.
In a meeting to discuss his plan, we get what might be the most amazing character work on Stannis ever as we find out he’s a member of the grammar police.
Anyway, everyone makes good points, we’re reminded the wildlings killed many of the Night’s Watch, including Grenn and Pip. But Jon is all, “we killed tons of them too guys I mean really come on.” Final point — there are literal walking dead people coming to turn us into zombies can we just put all this other stuff aside?
Pod and Brienne have a view of Winterfell from where they’re staying and she reiterates Sansa is in danger. The man who comes to take care of their room says he knew Eddard and the family which is just perfect because they need to get a message to Sansa. Brienne asks pointedly, “Who do you serve?”
At Winterfell, Ramsey and one of his gross mistresses, Myranda, have just finished doing the deed. She decides, not so wisely, to bring up the fact that he previously promised to marry her. He explains things are different now and also says “jealousy bores me” as he tightens his grip on her. She finally realizes she could very well be flayed if he decides she doesn’t amuse him anymore and so she bites him on the lip to make him forget about all that nonsense.
In her room, the same woman who told her “the North remembers” pays her a visit to let her know she’s not alone. If she is ever in real need she should light a candle in the highest window of the broken tower (AKA where Bran fell). She visits that spot and has a visit from Myranda who wants to introduce herself and start some real Mean Girls shit.
“Oh, my God, I love your bracelet. Where did you get it?”
When Sansa tells her she’d rather have a mother than just remember the one who taught her to sew every time she looks at her wardrobe, Myranda tells her she’s got a surprise. She takes her to the kennel where Reek/Theon is living next to the dogs. Cut to Reek dressing Ramsey who lies when he’s first asked if he has anything to tell his master. When he reveals Sansa saw him it looks as if we’re in for another terrible bit of torture. Instead, Ramsey says “I forgive you” and the real torture is saved for Sansa at the Bolton Family Dinner.
They all toast to the impending nuptials, minus Sansa who is so over it. Walda attempts to make small talk about being in a strange place but Sansa swiftly corrects her by saying it’s her home, it’s just the people living in it who are strange. And then Ramsey starts on on Reek/Theon, explaining how he broke him down and oh, “are you still angry with him for killing your brothers?” I wanted so badly for her to dead-stare Roose down at this point and respond with a “yes,” but she instead asks him why he’s doing this. He eventuallly forces an incomfortable apology from Reek and says since he’s the closest thing to family Sansa has now, he’ll be the one to give her away at the wedding. To defer this awkwardness, Roose tells Walda to give them the good news — she’s pregnant. With a boy.
Later, Dipshit asks how dear old dad is sure she’s pregnant, because she’s overweight. And other horrible things from this horrible human. Anyway, it amounts to him being worried about his position. And in a groteque mirror of the lovely Stannis/Shireen scene about her birth, we get Roose telling him about the time he raped Ramsey’s mother after killing her husband and how he later almost killed the child as well. Blah, blah we’re in this together, Stannis coming, help me defeat him. I hope Sansa flays you both and then sets you on fire.
Gilly inquires about the books in the Night’s Watch library and Sam tells her how many more there are at the Citadel, where Maesters are trained. Stannis pays him a visit and boasts about the time Sam’s father beat his brother Robert in battle, the only man who did. He then gives Sam props for killing a White Walker and asks for details on how he did it. Stannis is all, ohhh yeah dragon glass/obsidian, we’ve got tons of that shit at Dragonstone. Sam also tells him about the actual army of the dead he witnessed so maybe they should make a stop back home before anything else? Just a thought. Either way, Stannis is ready to pack up and go but Davos would rather wait for Jon to come back from his mission (which he hasn’t even left for yet) but Stannis will not have his mind changed on this.
Grey Worm finally wakes up and tells Missandei he believes he failed everyone. She assumes it’s the general kind of failing but he says it’s because he was afraid to never see Missandei again. OMG PLEASE HUG HIM. She kisses him instead. Next, Missandei meets with Dany who would like her advice on their current predicament. She doesn’t deem herself worthy to do this but does say she’s seen Dany listen to her counselors but perhaps this time it’s best to ignore them for a choice of her own. And so… she goes to find Hizdahr in his cell. He’s on his knees begging for mercy as she tells him she was wrong. Perhaps tradition will bring everyone together. She will open the fighting pits for free men only and to forge a lasting bond she will marry a leader of one of Mereen’s famillies. And well since you’re here already I guess I’ll take you.
And then.
And then.
And then.
Jorah and Tyrion are going to Valyria!!!! I died and went to heaven. This is what heaven is like.
They both discuss the Doom of Valyria, which is essentially some really bad stuff that went down ages ago, kind of like the fall of Pompeii. They were the best at everything and then they weren’t. We get some lovely views on the Smoking Sea including ancient buildings and oh HAI, DROGON! Tyrion thought he shit his pants when he saw the dragon but he probably literally shit his pants (like I almost did) when the Stone Men fell from the sky.
Chills. Chills. Chills.
The two fight for their lives while trying to keep from being touched by the men whose greyscale was so bad they were sent to live in Valyria. Tyrion goes overboard and pulled into the depths by one of the Stone Men and I don’t think I’ve seen anything scarier on Game of Thrones than this scene. Bravo. Tyrion wakes on a beach, having been saved by Jorah who asks him if he was touched. Tyrion says no and… fuuuuuuuuu Jorah has greyscale.
A lot of what I have to say about this episode involves how crazy divergent is is from the books so I’ll just leave us with this — GUH.
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